Joining the scatterlings

Too much violent crime and too few job opportunities in SA drove another rat to leave the sinking ship. The older you get, the harder it is to pack up your entire life and move to the other side of the world.

After looking at all the options, I finally did it …

Despite being on the verge of dotage, I finally got my act together and relocated to the UK. Having been born in England, I suppose I’ve “come home”. But the move has turned my kids into “Scatterlings”, and that makes me sad. But at least they’re safe here.

According to UK government statistics, the estimated number of long-term immigrants into the UK in the year July 2010 to June 2011 was 593,000, compared with 582,000 in the prior year period. The levels haven’t changed much since 2004. That’s half a million immigrants every year. A lot of those immigrants are from South Africa. Since 1995, more than 800,000 white South Africans have left the country, although not all have ended up in the UK. [Source: The Daily Beast] The statistics may be a bit skewed, because some South Africans, like me, did not technically emigrate but returned to the country of their birth.

Any relocation is traumatic. The cost; the upheaval; the goodbyes; the practicalities of packing up and cancelling services and accounts, knowing you have to do it all in reverse when you get to where you’re going. But a bit of advance knowledge can make the move a little easier …

10 things you should know before relocating from SA to the UK

1. If you’re trying to figure out what furniture and appliances to take with you, here’s one way of looking at it: Get a quote on shipping it all, add that to the price you think you’ll get for selling it before you leave, and convert the total to pounds sterling. Then go online and see if you can replace it in the UK for that amount of cash.

2. The doorways and stairwells in most UK houses are very narrow, so don’t take bulky pieces of furniture destined for upstairs rooms. And a lot of ceilings are only two metres high or less, so measure your wall units and display cabinets to make sure they’ll fit in your new home.

3. The electricity supply to UK households is limited to 13 amp appliances. All three-pin plugs have a fuse inside, and the biggest fuse you can get is 13 amps. In South Africa, some appliances like large capacity tumble dryers and convection microwave ovens are often 15 amps or higher. You can use them, but you’ll need to pay a UK certified electrician to connect them directly to a dedicated line from the main circuit board.

4. If you plan to take your pets with you, do your homework properly. The UK has dropped the six-month quarantine requirement, provided your pets comply with the UK regulations. The process takes at least four months. Choose a reputable company that specialises in live animal transport. They will give you a list and timeline for all the requirements. You can’t argue with DEFRA at the UK airport. If your pet isn’t 100% compliant with the regulations, it will end up being sent directly to the quarantine kennels or back to SA on the next available flight – at your expense.

5. Make sure you don’t leave any debts behind. Until you have established some kind of credit history in the UK, your SA credit record will be checked if you want to rent a house, or take out contracts for cellphones, Internet, satellite TV, etc.

6. What you’ll get for selling a bog-standard 3-bedroom 2-bathroom house in South Africa won’t buy you anything habitable in the UK. Property prices are outrageous, even though the interest on UK mortgages is a fraction of that on home loans in SA. And if you’re going to rent a house in the UK, the Council Tax is payable by the tenant, unlike municipal rates in SA which are payable by the property owner. Allow for it in your budget.

7. Most car hire companies will only accept credit cards; not debit cards and not cash. So, unless you already have a UK credit card, hang onto your SA credit card, and use it to book your hire car online before you leave. You can arrange to settle your card account and close it when all the car hire transactions have gone through.

8. You don’t need to buy an International Driver’s Licence. There’s a reciprocal agreement between South Africa and the UK. If you have a full SA driver’s licence, it’s valid in the UK for twelve months, during which time the UK authorities will convert it to a UK licence.

9. Although you can pick up a decent-ish used car for next to nothing, motor insurance for under-25s is exorbitant. Unless money’s not an issue, youngsters will have to use public transport, or cycle or walk to work and back, otherwise their parents will end up ferrying them to and fro every day. This also narrows the job market for under-25s looking for work as a driver or courier, or any job that stipulates “own car essential”.

10. UK roads are infested with speed cameras. Even 10 mph over the speed limit will earn you three penalty points. If you’re still using your SA licence, the details will be recorded; when you convert to a UK licence, it will come with those points already endorsed. Points stay on your licence for four years. If you accumulate twelve points within three years, you can be disqualified from driving for six months.

10 things I love about the UK

1. Communications infrastructure that works: Telephones that don’t die when it rains; Internet at less than half the price and at speeds that would make SA ISP’s heads spin; mail posted yesterday is delivered today; parcels are delivered unopened and undamaged; and you can order just about ANYTHING online for home delivery.

2. Government departments and telephone help lines staffed by polite and efficient people who are actually helpful.

3. Public transport.

4. 24-hour supermarkets, even in small villages. And price wars between supermarket-owned petrol stations.

5. Daylight at 10 pm in summer time.

6. More live music gigs and festivals than you could ever wish for.

7. Farmers who allow the public to walk (with or without dogs) and ride bicycles or horses on designated paths across their land.

8. Billions of wild flowers that spring up overnight along the roadside; hundreds of roses in my garden that appeared from nowhere and are thriving quite happily without any attention from me.

9. Meeting people walking in the countryside; locals who stop to chat; and strangers who happily give you accurate directions when you’re lost.

10. Feeling safe in my own home.

10 things that take a lot of getting used to in the UK

1. The cold in winter that pierces clean through your clothes and chills your bones; endless dark days with depressing rain and mist; clouds so low you feel you could reach up and push them out of the way.

2. Needing an engineering degree to set the timers on a central heating boiler or assemble flat-pack furniture.

3. Gas stoves.

4. Property prices; the cost of services such as vets and dentists; and the cost of petrol, booze, cigarettes and restaurant food.

5. Standing in queues. The stoic Brits have mastered the art of queuing everywhere without complaint and without pushing in – from bus stops and tube stations to banks and hospital waiting rooms. At the other end of the evolution scale, you have the unruly mobs that will happily stampede you to death when the shops open their doors for the Half-Price Sales.

6. Living “too far away” for visitors. Most Brits consider a distance of 20 miles too far for an outing, while South Africans will drive 600 km or more for a concert without batting an eyelid.

7. One road sign that means different speed limits depending on whether it’s a dual carriageway, a rural road or a residential area.

8. Only nine public holidays in the UK this year, compared with fourteen in SA.

9. Ticket machines that don’t give change when you buy a Pay & Display parking permit.

10. The confusing wide choice of service providers, e.g. electricity, gas, telephone, mobile phone, internet. But, where there’s competition, there’s motivation to keep the customer happy. Complaints about products or services not only get an almost immediate response, but also a full refund or coupons to the same value.

10 things I miss about SA

1. The weather.

2. My friends.

3. The politicians – who provide fresh material every day for irreverent journalists and comedians.